Pre-Chip Journal

This Monday. 10 Am. Ojai Valley School. The last conference room on the right. It’s going down.

I will be orchestrating the show of the century via my video podcast. Myself, my co-host, and my newspaper’s editor will be eating the world’s spiciest chip. On camera. It WILL be the highlight of my year or the reason I get violently ill and have to leave school.

Going into the new year, I needed new ideas for my budding podcast. To be honest, my coverage and predictions about Omicron were shaky to say the least, some would even say disastrous but hey you live and you learn.

ANYWAYS, a ton of planning has gone into this. I had the idea on a crisp Thursday morning at 7:15 am on the toilet browsing Tik Tok. I saw this random old dude force feeding himself for views on tik tok when I saw him down 4 or 5 very spicy chilies, some daused in the world’s hottest hot sauce, followed up by a shot of vodka and him spraying WD-40 down his gullet. The funniest part is he starts with this cute little gag accent which slowly transitions into him moaning, whining, and crying as he forces himself to eat them (attached his so-called highlights at the bottom). Truly enthralling stuff. When I got to Journalism that day, I was instantly bombarded by my teacher and editor about not doing enough during my time between episodes (true but no way I would admit it).

“I’m gonna make my editor eat something so hot, she doesn’t have a tongue to tell me to slack off less,” I thought to myself.

It’s a pretty great plan if you factor our the fact that I will be torturing myself and my co-host for a gag/to see my editor’s face when she eats this chip.

I have created a whole show around the one spicy chip which I will outline:

First, we will chat around for a second, maybe get a cameo on the fourth mic from our teacher, get some other Journalism students to chime in and what not, setting the stage for the main event. Then, we will spin a wheel to determine the order in which we eat the chips. Then, another wheel will be spun to determine how much of the chip will be eaten: 60% for 1/3, 35% for 2/3, and 5% for 3/3. You are gonna hear “another wheel” a handful more times throughout this blog. Get used to it. After this spin, we will eat the chip, and film our reaction for 3 minutes. We will then all play Family Feud while handling the heat. The winner will get first dibs to spin two wheels that are mostly filled with things that help heat like milk and carbs, but also some negatives like tonic water and an onion. The other two will spin this wheel in the order of their points in Feud. After this, we will have a spelling bee, something my editor is impossibly terrible at. After this, we will probably wrap up, and that will be our show.

I am pretty excited, but I hope nobody gets a stomach ulcer leading to me getting sued. I’ll attach the podcast to my next blog so stay tuned.

VC: TikTok Legend

the terrible simply horrible nudge

Have you encountered the terrible nudge?

Expectantly nudging her muzzle

Into the kerfuffle

She expects me to pet her or feed her

Or give her some attention

But literally I just did all of those things

Like more than one time over

And i’m sitting in my rotating chair 

Criss cross like a precarious preschooler

With my noise cancelation 

my reading annotation

And suddenly I notice a wet nose

I look down, big brown eyes, a wet nose

Above my hip 

The cradle of ticklishness

A wet nose

I say “go on”

And point

The interlingual interspecies signal for go on

And she lies down

Maintaining eye contact

That’s weird 

Don’t do that

I look back at the book I’m reading

Nudging the nudge out of my thinking

And then my chair is spinning

The terrible nudge, simply by sheer force of will,

Spins my chair

Now I want to take this opportunity

Just to clarify

I know sometimes things are left a little ambiguous

and I think everyone deserves to understand

So I was literally sitting alone in my room with my dog

I sat in an office chair, criss cross

And this dog nudges me with her nose

Like with her nose

So much that my chair begins to spin

I don’t know about you

But for me

Wow

That’s a breaking point you know

Like oops it looks like it’s an outdoor dog’s life for you

Boom

Fleas

The dog house

The chain

Don’t go nudging

Bitch

So then I take the terrible horrible nudge’s collar off

And scratch where she normally can’t reach

And she promptly lies down and goes for a nap on my floor

Allowing for like half an hour of peace before she takes up the nudge once again

The Outside Ghost

In the past few years, I’ve developed a love for the outdoors that is indescribable, I live for the moments I spend in the backcountry. I yearn to lounge on my hammock, strung between two awkward trees, uneasy about my weight. I dream of not getting back into the vans, of staying near the spot where I dug my favorite latrine. But I have to say one of my favorite things about the outdoors is the chilling experiences.
The first one very vivid to me occurred nearly three years ago in the Eastern Sierras. I had gone backpacking with my school about 10 miles up into Little Lakes Valley, a quaint spot along the John Muir Trail, and we had set our packs down by a lake snuggled into a cliffside. A few of us, being the adventurous souls that we were, decided it would be fun to summit this peak, towering around 1,000 feet above us.  Half an hour into the climb, I had to stop, at our elevation, nearly 13,000 feet above sea level, wearing a heavy ski coat, I was winded. I was given a walkie talkie, water bottles to hold onto, and told to standby as they submitted.
Being on a neighboring peak, just slightly lower than the peak I originally set out for, I had a nice view of the three that continued on. As I sat alone, talking and singing to myself, using up 30 minutes of footage on my phone, I felt a sense of tranquility I hadn’t experienced since starting high school. Around 15 minutes into my time alone, as I carefully examined the pockets of snow that lay in the distance between the jagged rocks that covered the mountain where I would occasionally see the hikers jumping through as the continued to summit, something interrupted by solo jam sesh. In the footage, you can hear me rambling about a second rate animated movie from my childhood, and all of a sudden a voice maybe 40 feet behind me interrupts my train of thought. I hear the click of a walkie talkie as the gruff voice says, “OK hold up.” However, the walkie talkie sitting beside me remains silent.
Now at this point, two things are running through my mind, either there is a stranger hiking by his lonesome and he’s for some reason communicating with another hiker far another away where he needs a walkie talkie, or that there’s a ghost. Seeing as I have turned to face the source of the noise and there was no face to put to the voice, I quickly jumped to conclusions that it was the latter. Regardless, as my experience from horror movies dictates, if I acknowledge the ghost as a ghost, it will mess me up. So I narrate to the video what just happened, and QUICKLY change the subject so that the ghost believes I am just a naive little freshman, not worth the trouble. I increase the amount of panning shots in my video so I have opportunities to look around for the voice that is intermittently speaking, traveling, but maintaining a consistent distance from me so that I can keep an eye out for the ghost without it catching on.
A few minutes later the voice disappears completely, but as it does the weather takes a turn, I see the hikers running back as they indubitably saw the storm cloud moving in our direction, completely invisible to myself until the hikers were almost back. Now I’m not saying that the ghost made it dump snow on us for the next 12 hours, but if he did that was a pretty crappy move. Regardless, when we get back to camp I refrain from telling anyone because I am convinced I’m still within earshot of that petty man, so I go about the rest of the evening and kind of forget about it. When I wake up in the morning, sore from the number of times the gusting winds slapped the roof of the tent into my unsuspecting face, I hear stories that convince me that the ghost man didn’t like our group.
One tells of how he heard trailing footsteps when he went off to pee shortly after dinner but saw nothing, no indication that he was being followed. And the three girls all corroborated that in the night, in the worst part of the storm, when the howling winds would’ve prevented any sane man from leaving his tent, no matter what capacity his bladder was at, they heard footsteps circling their tent, unaffected by the storm, oblivious to the bitter cold, definitely a ghost. When we hiked out of that canyon the next day I vowed never to return, but I actually did a year later when I school offered the trip, and I had a really splendid time. However, everyone who went on the night hikes heard footsteps in the woods around them and experienced wacky flashlights malfunctions, which is to be expected when the ghost man is out there. That is precisely the reason I didn’t go on the night hikes, I knew about the aggravating spirit that lay waiting in the darkness, so instead, I elected to stay in my tent, on my phone, where I had downloaded a Patton Oswalt comedy special and had a very enjoyable evening.
Next week I got another doozy so keep an eye out for that one.
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iCARus

if this car dings at me one more time

if another ding reverberates through my ears

i swear to god

have i missed something? does the whole world revolve around this car’s dire need for washer fluid?

well you know heckin what, car

i dont care that your washer level is low

i dont care that your tire pressure is a potential threat to my safety

i dont care that maintenance was required a substantial amount of months ago

or that your entire existence rests on trying to prohibit me from listening to Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!

(finally some much needed radio silence, my normally needy car gives me a breather, i turn into 89.3 KPCC like any self-important masochist. ahhhh. how lucky i am to tune into the sweet sweet sonorous sound of the voice of Peter Sagal the host of NPR’s greatest and only radio game show. my car obviously understands the pleasurable tones created by the one and only Bill Kurtis, the narrator of this great weekly hour of radio. and my car picks now as the perfect time to send a certifiable fuck ton of alerts, ranging from topics as important as aforementioned washer fluid or that the car is in need of a software update, blaring through my car speakers. now quite honestly i didn’t know cars could even have software updates, let alone that they were so important that i should miss an important line of NPR’s most high-quality comedic banter, but i swear to all the gods that may be, if this self important piece of german engineering chimes at me again there will be a germany sized whole in the continent known as europe)

your chorus of chimes and beeps and brrrungs remind me the second i turn the key that my seat belt should be on. i was just about to put it on, but obviously im not quick enough for you and your quarter of a second delay.

a vehicle is anything that moves or transports. this car is more something that annoys me more than OSX updates.

(OSX updates that the lovely folks at apple think are priority numero uno, however we know this to be false, i have to put new windshield wiper fluid in my car.)

forgive me oh state farm for i have sinned i have wronged mine car. my car that moves or transports like it is meant to; that roars and tears into its intricacies, generating a herd of horses to move or transport me to and from school; that pairs, through the magic that is bluetooth, to my phone bringing me summer reading audio books as well as crosby, stills, nash, and young all the same.

my car which takes me to coffee and groceries, that supplies a warm butt in the mornings and cool AC in the afternoon.

you defrost thine own windows, you display thine own manual. you know thine own tire pressure, you never cease to tell me about it.

you’re a mechanical beast that does so much more than moving and transporting. you purr when you idle, content to cool and blast NPR. you roar when i press on the gas in neutral by accident. and you alert me with hope in your chime about the absence of washer fluid in your stores.

but you, oh vehicle of my dreams, oh vehicle my parents so rarely let me drive, you annoy me so deeply and to the core i am tempted to just walk.

America’s Finest News Source

WARNING: Do not read if easily offended.

Photo Credit: blogs-images.forbes.com

The Onion, a satirical newspaper that exists primarily to mock America’s antics, is one of my favorite forms of entertainment. While scrolling through Facebook, articles randomly pop up on my news feed, and never fail to provide amusement.

Even funnier than the articles themselves though, are the headlines – I cannot explain my love for them. I admit, I don’t always get around to reading the actual stories – that’s a big commitment – but the headlines, a short and easy read, are simply genius.

Impeccably sarcastic and wittily worded, these headlines are the epitome of satire  – I love it.

Here are ten of my all-time favorites, in no particular order.

  • ‘I Am Under 18’ Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet
  • Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 83 Billionth Time
  • Taylor Swift Now Dating Senator Joseph McCarthy
  • Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness
  • Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian
  • Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day
  • Dwarf Falls Equivalent Of 10 Stories
  • Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
  • Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son
  • Buddy System Responsible For Additional Death

It doesn’t even matter if you read the articles themselves– the headline is all you need.

Enjoy, and thank me later.

Funny Girls

Before I began to write this, I googled “funny topics to write about”. 

I did this because I am uncreative person who relies on the ideas of others. 

What surprised me was that the number one “funny” topic on the website was “Women can’t be funny”.  Seeing this invoked my inner Hillary Clinton or Susan B. Anthony or whichever feminist you wish to compare me to. 

Obviously I was outraged.  The idea that women can’t be funny is crazy; if I learned anything from my 10 years of watching Saturday Night Live, it would be that Kristen Wiig is hilarious and Justin Timberlake needs to stop writing songs about his…you know.

 In days past, it used to be only ugly girls were funny, now it seems to be only good-looking female comediennes who can crack a laugh.

It used to be that when performing you wanted to look “comical”, much like Lucille Ball in I Love Lucy, but now, if you don’t have good looks and, of course, above a C-cup, it’s hard to even score spot at an open mic night. 

While the comedy world isn’t 100% free of sexism, it’s pretty close. 

That person who wrote that “women can’t be funny” topic isn’t really an outstanding model for the entire comedy world. 

I mean that guy probably thinks “that’s what she said” jokes are hilarious and has based his entire sense of humor off South Park. 

https://i0.wp.com/margaretperry.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/vanity-fair.jpg
credit to Vanity Fair

Nigel Tufnel Day

Although I usually write about politics, today is a very special day, special enough to write about something else.

In Asia, today is singles day (because the date is made up of ones). In the US (as well as many other countries), it is considered an auspicious day.

But for Spinal Tap fans such as myself, 11/11/11 is Nigel Tufnel Day.

This day was chosen based on the famous scene where Nigel explains why his amp goes to 11.

Now if you have not seen Spinal Tap, go see it, now. It is a fantastically funny movie as well as being a cultural staple.

I cannot count how many times I have seen and I am now at the point that I can recite almost every line.

What makes this movie special is that, although it makes fun of Rock & Roll, the musicians/actors in the movie are actually quite talented. They play hilarious songs but they play them well.

If you enjoy humor and good music, watch this movie. It will help you in dinner conversations when people refer to the movie and it will help you in life because every time you see the number 11 you will giggle a little bit.

P.S. I would like to also acknowledge Veteran’s Day. Although there is this very silly post about a very silly movie, it is also a day to say thank you to the people who put their life on the line every day. Thank you to those men an women who put their lives on the line to protect us at home. You get an 11 out of 10.