America’s Finest News Source

WARNING: Do not read if easily offended.

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The Onion, a satirical newspaper that exists primarily to mock America’s antics, is one of my favorite forms of entertainment. While scrolling through Facebook, articles randomly pop up on my news feed, and never fail to provide amusement.

Even funnier than the articles themselves though, are the headlines – I cannot explain my love for them. I admit, I don’t always get around to reading the actual stories – that’s a big commitment – but the headlines, a short and easy read, are simply genius.

Impeccably sarcastic and wittily worded, these headlines are the epitome of satire  – I love it.

Here are ten of my all-time favorites, in no particular order.

  • ‘I Am Under 18’ Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet
  • Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 83 Billionth Time
  • Taylor Swift Now Dating Senator Joseph McCarthy
  • Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness
  • Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian
  • Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day
  • Dwarf Falls Equivalent Of 10 Stories
  • Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
  • Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son
  • Buddy System Responsible For Additional Death

It doesn’t even matter if you read the articles themselves– the headline is all you need.

Enjoy, and thank me later.

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