When I look in the mirror, that is all I see. Fat everywhere. I always look down and wonder how I got like this.
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Over the summer, I worked out every day and ate well. People could actually see the difference and I was happy.
Now, I sit in my dorm doing nothing but gaining weight. I can’t even look at my prom photos because of all the fat I see on myself.
My friends and boyfriend don’t understand what I mean when I say I am fat. Somehow they don’t see it, but that’s all I see.
I mean, maybe I am the problem. Maybe my brain is messed up and that’s why I see myself the way I do. I have never been able to see myself as anything but fat since fifth grade. But, now, when I look back I know that was never true, so maybe I can only ever see myself as fat no matter what I do.
I wish I could look at myself and just see how I truly am to everyone else around me.
Maybe this summer once I go back to the gym everything will be different, but I don’t know if I will ever really see what I look like when I look in the mirror.
I’m in a really good mood right now, but there are honestly so many things that makes life feel so much better. So, here’s a few things that never fail to make me happy.
The tiredness after being at the beach in the sun all day
Driving down PCH with the windows down during sunset
The lights turning off at a concert and knowing the show’s about to begin
When the singer stops singing and everyone in the crowd continues belting the lyrics on the top of their lungs
Listening to ocean waves before falling asleep
Having the air conditioning on while sleeping, but being wrapped up in warm blankets
My horse coming up to me
Hugging my favorite celebrities
Having dance parties alone in my room
Waking up and having a good hair day
Wearing a cute outfit and feeling confident in it
Good conversations with friends at dinner
Waking up early and having energy to take on the day
Sitting outside when it’s hot, but a perfect breeze keeps you cool
Hot chocolate after snowboarding all day
Being spontaneous
Being carefree
Blasting 2000’s throwbacks and singing along to them while driving
Reuniting with friends I haven’t seen in a while
Dancing
Singing with my friends without caring about what my voice sounds like
Having motivation to clean my room
Being told my writing is good
Swimming in the ocean for hours
Running
Hanging out at the fair in the summer
Finding out I did better on a test than I thought I would
Jumping into a freezing pool on a hot day
Listening to a song for the first time in years and still knowing all the lyrics
Mastering a verse in a rap song
Wearing oversized sweatshirts
Going to the movies while it’s raining outside
Getting invested in a new book and forgetting about everything else around me while reading it
Being around a camp fire
Opening gifts
Giving a good gift
Having a breakthrough while horseback riding
Writing freely without writer’s block getting in the way
Talking with my friends on the phone for hours, and though I rarely see them in person anymore, still having our friendship be stronger than ever
Loving life for the way it is and currently not wanting to change anything about it
I love talking. I love that I can talk to people so easily most of the time. But, sometimes, I hate it too, because we all just say the same things over and over and over every time. It gets boring.
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And I find myself saying over and over that I want to go somewhere far away from here. I want to go everywhere that is not here and stay there for a very long time.
And I find myself saying over and over that I would never love anyone like that.
And I know I love you! But sometimes I also just hate you! I love that you are open and introspective and so sure of yourself, but sometimes I wish you would just shut up!
But, I do like that you write about it all. I didn’t know that before. I think that’s the one thing you do without over-thinking and without trying to so hard to look like you aren’t trying.
The purpose of a magnet is to attract metal. If placed anywhere within the proximity of metal, it will work tirelessly until it has gathered all the metals in its reach, until it is centered within them, until its job is done. Because that’s what it’s supposed to do, that is its purpose.
I believe that we aren’t too different from magnets in that way. I believe that we, too, have a certain purpose in life, and that, in some way, we will be driven towards that purpose and our destination of fulfilling it. And then, when we’ve done what we could, did what we had to do, we are content. We will be set in place, centered, and done.
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However, I wonder what that purpose is for me. I wonder if I am anywhere close to reaching it or even if that whole process of attraction has already begun. Throughout the past years, I’ve changed my course of life quite a bit. If someone would have told me five years ago what my life looks like right now, I would have probably had trouble believing them. For the longest time, I never felt like I was going in a certain direction. But, lately, I’ve been feeling a certain pull, like an unsteady compass. I’m getting there, wherever that may be.
I am still moving, I am still trying to find the pieces of metal around me that will one day make out my purpose. I’m still moving (I’d honestly hope so). I still have almost a whole life ahead of me. Whether I’ll be successful, I don’t know yet, I couldn’t know. But at least, for now, I am moving.
I know the saying: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never meant to be.” It’s true for some people and perfect for them, but it’s shit. Why should I have to set you free to know that you’re the right one?
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I love you and I don’t want to set you free to know that. When I look at you, I don’t doubt anything about us, so why should I let you go?
At the same time, I don’t want to hold you back. I know it’s four years and that’s too long to stay in a long distance relationship, but I want to be selfish and keep you.
There is a big chance that you will come back, but how do I know that is going to happen? Four years is a long time, we both could meet new people or become new people.
Part of me wants to ignore every guy I meet in college to make sure I am single when you move to Tennessee, but what if you meet someone that makes you happier than I ever could?
The other part of me wants to move on and date many guys so I am not the one stuck in the past hopelessly in love with someone who found somebody else, but I know that I won’t be able to do that.
I love you so much and I don’t want to hold you back. I wish that this relationship didn’t hold you back, but I guess if it does I will let you go.
You build me up, take me, and use me then leave me to fall apart. But, the saddest part is that I let you do it time and time again.
Deep down, I think you know that I love you. I think you deny it though, thinking that I don’t love you makes it easier for you.
Easier to text me and tell me you want to spend time with me, then completely shut me out once you’re satisfied.
Sometimes you don’t even go, though. You text me again to bail out and it hurts more than being played, because, at least when you play me, I get to spend time with you. I get to be close to you and I get to feel like you might actually care about me.
You’re not the only guy that does this. I reach out to others to try and forget you. They play me too, but it’s different than what you do. They tell me I’m beautiful, pretend to actually care, send me hearts over text, tell me they love me, then they shut me out.
You just shut me out after you use me, you don’t pretend to genuinely like me. That should make it easier, but it makes its harder.
I see you around school five days a week. Sometimes I feel like I’m invisible to you, sometimes you talk to me and we act as close friends, than somedays I feel like you purposely avoid me. I’m probably overthinking this though, I doubt I matter enough to you for you to even ignore me.
I know this is bad, but its gotten to the point that I’ve been hurt so much that I talk to multiple people at once, so that when one guy bails, there is still another one that I think cares about me.
Every time another guy plays me, it hurts. It hurts a lot. I cry… I cry for hours. Every time I think someone might genuinely like me, but then they tear me apart and cast me out, just like you do.
Every time another guy plays me, it hurts. It hurts a lot, but at least I’m not thinking about you. Thinking about you hurts even more. I know I’ll get over the other guy in a couple weeks or months depending on how much I cared, but I know no matter how many days, weeks months, years, I’ll never get over you.
I’m not an object. I’m not disposable. You cant just throw me away when you’re done. I’m not a piece of paper you can crumple up and throw away when you’re finished.
I hate what you do to me. I hate even more that I let you. And I hate the most that I’m standing here waiting, hoping, yearning for you to text me again.
If anyone was wondering, I made the sun come up faster.
I’m not sure how or why or exactly when it happened, I just know that a few weeks ago I was running in the dark at 6am and now I am running in the light at 6am.
I don’t have the time or energy right now to figure out how to read the stars or alter the path of the sun or anything like that, but if anyone out there has any insight to offer, I would love to hear it.
Looking back on my past thoughts, it’s funny to see how much changes and how much stays the same.
A few months ago, it seems as though I was fascinated by time and weather and all sorts of things. I still am now, of course, but I guess that I just already got it out sort of artistically, so it’s not as much of a pressing issue anymore.
It’s cloudy today and it rained a little bit in the morning. It feels like everything is clean. I still miss the sun, though.
And I think I will always be fascinated by the weather and the sky. I just always will be.
Usually when I don’t know what to write about, I make some sort of list of things that make me happy, things that calm me down, things that remind me of home. But it seems like I’ve run out of ideas for positive lists like that, so here’s a list of things I hate:
trash in nature
when people are rude to the cashier
math
losing
watching cocky people win
watching pretty much anyone other than my team win
public speaking
not having any socks left
being left on read
artichokes
being disliked
feeling like you have to sneeze but not being able to sneeze
I like space and planets and the stars. It amazes me and it’s its nice to know that there are some things that no one understands. I think it’s humbling in a way.
I get caught up in my own life; my problems seem so big and overwhelming. When I’m trapped focusing on my life, I forget that I am one person out of eight billion. I forget how small I really am.
It bothers me so much seeing people who think they are better than everyone: better than other people, better than animals, better than everything. People destroy nature, kill animals, and hurt others all because they think they can. They think that they’re above everything.
I wish I could tell them. I wish they could just understand that they are just one letter in a thousand page essay, one raindrop in a ten hour storm, one frame in a five hour documentary, one out of 8 billion tiny insignificant people.
The stars are a good reminder. As big as you think you are, as big as you think your problems are, there is always something bigger.
I’ve started to realize it’s the little things I change about my day that make me feel so much better.
I’ve started studying outside during my free blocks. Even when I’m not doing work, I just sit outside on my phone instead of inside my dimly lit, stuffy dorm room. It feels so much better having both the sun and light breeze against my skin, keeping me warm and cool at the same time. It’s more refreshing, though I’m not doing anything more than sitting outside.
I’ve started getting up early again. I get up around six a.m. now and, despite sleeping less hours, I feel more awake than when I’d sleep in until 7:40. I get up and force myself to go running because even if I’m tired in the moment, I feel wide awake for the rest of the day. I have time to go to breakfast, less time to rush to get ready for classes, and more time to hang out with friends in the morning. I’m no longer starving by the third class of the day or falling asleep by the fourth.
It’s a good feeling finally being motivated to do the small things that make drastic changes to how my days turn out for me and I’m appreciating every day so much more because of it.
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