Control

Lack of control, lack of consciousness. From a passing feeling of anxiety grows a larger, stronger sensation.

A pit embedded so deep in my stomach, sprouting vines that spread to the very tips of my fingers. The pit grows larger and larger, heavy as rock, hard as steel.

I pass it off as nothing. All in my head, nothing of significance. But this rock, this sensation, leaves me hyper aware.

Each movement shoots throughout my body, ricocheting off of every surface. Any tingle, shiver or prickle is felt in every nerve, magnified by my growing alertness.

And this greater attention leads to a realization, an understanding of this feeling. My depths are screaming to be let out, stopping at nothing to be heard.

I fall, deeper and deeper into my head; I am below the surface, unaware of the world around me. This pit, this feeling, is overtaking me.

The vines wrap around my brain, my eyes, anything they can grasp, bringing darkness to my world and shutting out any understanding.

My hands are immobile, unresponsive to my commands. These vines suffocate me, wrapping around my neck and my brain, squeezing tighter and tighter.

I have lost all ability to speak – to guide and to oversee. Dark clouds loom over my last drop of consciousness, obscuring my last speck of assurance.

I have lost control.

Photo Credit: http://www.markraymondmason.com

Applications? More like Agitation

Applications, applications, applications. For the past two years that word has been playing in my head like a broken record.

I don’t understand why the college process has to be so difficult. I understand that this is a serious decision that will impact my future immensely.

Photo Credit: http://www.charterpulse.files.wordpress.com

Everyone keeps saying that this process should be fun and exciting but all I have felt is frustration, confusion, stress and anxiety. To say the least, I am ready for this process to be over. I am ready to already know where I will be for the next four years of my life. I am ready to know what I want to major in – what I want to do with my life.

Another aspect of the college experience that I find extremely frustrating and anxiety producing is the SAT and ACT tests. I hate that our whole academic career can be summed up into a number from one, five-hour test that we took on a random Saturday morning.

Photo Credit: http://www.gocollege.com

What is the point of working so hard in school if that isn’t even going to count as much as a test score?

Homework?

School is a designated time and place for people to learn and increase their knowledge. Because of that, I don’t think it’s fair for copious amounts of work to be assigned out of school as well.

When long hours are spent every day sitting in chairs and taking in lots of information, it seems like overkill to continue to practice what we’ve learned later in the day.

Many teachers argue that class time is for learning the material, and that through homework we are supposed to prove our knowledge. That is a legitimate point, however, if we didn’t have homework, then there would actually be time to execute our skills during class itself.

Photo Credit: jbmthinks.com

So much time is spent during class periods assigning, explaining and reviewing homework. If no homework was assigned, the time originally spent talking about homework after we’ve learned the lesson could be spent proving what we’ve learned. Then, we would have learned what we needed to know and have proven our intelligence all within the class period, without having to do even more work at home.

With all the homework that is assigned – coupled with after school activities – many students are staying up late into the night, and are not sufficiently rested for the next day. That causes them not to perform their best in school.

If this education system could be revised, students would be more attentive in school, have a higher motivation to get their work done in class and overall be more successful academically.

Just a Practice Run?

That 89 percent that could have been a 90 percent is not going to matter to you in five years, believe it or not. I can’t even fathom how often the sentence “but it will look good for college apps,” is heard yearly on a high school campus. Are these four years what define us as humans? I sure hope that’s not the case because I’m so much more than a percentage.

High school is such a small portion of our lives when you really think about it. These four years are all that matter to you right now, but are they all that’s going to matter in ten? What about when our kids go to school? Will that B- you got in geometry matter then? We work so hard to be judged by our performance rather than our person.

What are schools teaching about being a good human? What about how to do our own taxes? Nope, sorry that’s not taught here. I can recite the Pythagorean theorem basically in my sleep, and tell you the difference between an acid and a base; but what about the values of honesty and kindness? Isn’t this all a practice run anyways? Aren’t we being trained for “The Real World”? I’ve only been told that exact statement once or a million times.

Kids these days are on anxiety medications for the amount of stress they’re put under. We run ourselves into the ground for what? To be judged some more? We are expected to put our education before personal health. It is not asked, but expected. We must do whatever it takes to succeed.

Photo from: http://lahaiseslair.com
Photo from: http://lahaiseslair.com

Dove

A little Dove chocolate told me to enjoy the small things in life.

This is a stage in my life that I need the small things.

With the stress of school, sports, and a social life, it’s the little moments that make it all worth it.

They happen here and there, but today for instance it rained.

The rain brings me great happiness. It cleanses the ground, but it makes everything clean and new.

Flowers bloom, and otherwise dusty hills become rolling green hills.

This is the entrance into spring that we have been waiting for.

The past few weeks have brought a lot of stress to an already stressful life.

One would think that having a single mother with multiple incurable diseases would cause stress.

Having her go to the hospital unexpectedly would seem to cause stress, but that is my life.

This is who I am, this is how my family works.

I can accept that my mother is sick and I can find happiness in the fact that she always comes home, although sometimes not without a fight, she has managed to make it back every time.

On this Easter Sunday I ask you to consider this.

I don’t care what your beliefs are, or if you don’t believe, but there is something on this Earth and beyond that has kept my mother here.

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Finals and the pressure that comes with them

Right now I am taking a break from analyzing my interview notes and filling the gaps in my history knowledge to speak about finals.

This is the first time I have felt really concerned about every. single. one. of my finals. I am on the border of A/B in all of my classes and these finals could mean the difference between going to the college I have had my eyes on, Northeastern, and losing this option forever.

This is a huge pressure on me and I am concerned with what the results might be.

History is one of my strong points and I have been studying, but there are definite gaps in my knowledge.

Journalism has been kicking my butt all year. We have one last article to write before the end of the year and the final grades. This has me very stressed about my grade.

English is something that I am not very nervous about due to my knowledge of the material being tested.

Calculus. Oh god. Calculus is going to be a nightmare. I am going to have to ace this final to oblivion to even consider an A. I have been studying a lot and am planning on going to the 2 and a half hour study session for extra review.

Physics is one of my stronger points and I am actually excited to take the final and I am prepared for it.

Finals should be… Interesting.

Now back to Writing the Journalism final that I have been dreading.

A week without running

… is killing me.

Track season ended so my college coach told me to take 10 days off of running. A lot of runners take a couple days off between the seasons to mentally and physically rest.

For the first 3 days, I was all down from the last race. After that, I was a little happy that I have more free time but today is my 7th day without running and it’s literally killing me. I’m getting stressed out and I don’t feel like I’m alive.

I can feel that I lost muscles. I have way less appetite from not working out. It’s just so strange; The last time I stopped running for a week was probably more than 4 years ago.

3 more days and I can run again!!! But I’m starting the workouts given from my college coach… I can’t believe the next race I’m running is a college cross country race… I will be the youngest and will be competing with college runners… Nervous but exciting. I have no idea what my next 4 years of running would be like.

The stress truly never ends.

Stress !!

My college letters are due any time in the next few weeks. Yes this is very exciting, yes this is nerve racking and although my applications are in and basically completed the stress continues.

Two days ago I was told that I needed to submit additional material, my GCSE grades. This material must come from the official exam boards in an extensive, expensive process.

No my official certificates cannot simply be sent by me, instead they have to take 28days processing in England with postage, processing and other projects paid by me. This is truly ridiculous.

It’s not that the whole process that annoys me; it’s the fact that no one told me. Now I’m up late at night stressing out with no sleep filling out forms and wondering how on earth am I going to get into college.

The stress truly never ends.

Let The Stress Begin!

As the week comes to an end and the weekend begins I am feeling more and more stressed out. I feel like I’m in a big way psyching my self out way more than is necessary but regardless, it sucks.

I really want to do well on my finals, more than ever before. I want to make my mom proud and my teachers proud but even more so my self proud. I am beyond sick of disappointing my mom and my teachers, I just want them to be happy for me and say good job instead of what I’ve always heard which is “you could do better” or “you need to do better” dissapointed

I want to be able to walk away from a final with a smile on my face and knowing that I did well, it’s horrible to walk away and know that you got a bad grade. F

One day I want to feel what it feels like to get an “A” on a final, and no Spanish class didn’t count.

Lets see if I can make it happen this time.

Hopefully this won’t happen!

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FINALS EVERYONE!!!!

Finally Relaxed

kmd
All the stress is gone after the last two weeks. I had one of the most stressful two weeks that I have had in a long time. But with the help of my teachers and friends I was able to pull through and go off to my Thanksgiving break nice and relaxed.
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Being home provides a form of comfort that you could never find anywhere else. Family and friends are two of the most important and amazing parts of my life, and seeing them is great. I love home.

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Thanksgiving is a great time to remember what is most important in life, whether it is family, friends, food or money haha.

I really love this holiday!!!

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What do you think about Thanksgiving?